Top 10 Tips to Being Important
in Episode 5 we playfully talked about the need for senior people in large organisations to be, and seen to be 'important'. It's part of the survival kit for working in a hierarchy. Whilst we were taking the piss, there's still some truth in what we said, and whilst we have exaggerated some of the behaviours, some you may still recognise. Here's the list.
- Whenever you are asked 'How are you?', always reply with 'Busy'.
It doesn’t answer the question but will justify your existence and make you feel better, and definitely make you sound important.
- Whenever talking about a successful piece of work always talk in the first person -'yes, I'm leading a very impressive project on . . .'
The moment it looks like something isn't going well then immediately change to the third person -
'Their project looks like it's going tits up. Idiots'
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Remembering rule number 9, always make sure that you tell others that you either ‘lead’ or ‘head up’ somewhere or something. Anything less means you’re a subordinate. Important people never do anything dull or low level
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Only lead or head up projects that are so sensitive that they require a non-disclosure, confidentiality agreement. Be sure to let junior people know that you can’t tell them anything about what you're working on or else 'You'll have to shoot them'. Then, shortly afterwards, tell them all about it; all the worst-kept secrets in big organisations are confidential.
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CS Lewis famously wrote that integrity is doing the right thing even when nobody is watching. Well bollocks to that - in fact, completely avoid doing any work that the ‘higher-ups’ won’t notice or give you credit for. There’s no point in doing low-profile activity or something simply because ’it’s the right thing to do’ as this is a total waste of effort.
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Do not get involved in any projects that have a high risk of failing. It's that simple. Only back the right horses, including those that are new, shiny and all the rage
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Never be afraid to steal others' ideas and claim them as your own -taking full credit for achieving something you had absolutely nothing to do with is dead-cert fast track way to being important
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Be sure to pin the blame back onto the original owner of any piece of work that at the first sign of somebody more important than you not liking it, or not thinking that the work itself is important. There's nothing more impressive than a senior executive who manages to regularly distance himself from a failure and apportion blame to the poor bastard who put all the effort in.
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Every time you have a meeting with your team, ensure that you start that meeting by telling everyone that you are late because you've just come from an even more important meeting with even more important people that ran over time. Refuse to give them any actual information about the meeting because its strategic significance is quite possibly 'market sensitive'. Pretending to know important things whilst telling others nothing really is a sign of importance
And at Number 1: Have really important job title. It's the ultimate way of showing you, and your mum, exactly how important you are. Your title must clearly demonstrate the size of the empire over which you reign. So, being in charge of a branch is commendable, an Area is impressive but it’s significantly better if you can boast Regional responsibility as that shows everyone that you’ve risen above the menial, day-to-day life of the front line and are most likely in a strategic role. If you can claim to have National responsibility, you are incredibly important, but the ultimate is to be able to boast Global accountability; not only does that make you one down from royalty, it also adds a level of glamour and intrigue that being responsible for ‘Harrow and Edgware’ could never quite conjure up.
I remember asking a Senior guy where his ‘patch’ was, and he replied ‘The Northern Hemisphere’. What an absolute dick
In truth, it would be far more fun, and accurate, if people’s job titles described what they actually did. Chief Fannying Around Officer, Global Head of Making Crap Up’, or ‘Managing Director of Turning a Blind Eye’ would all sound impressive on LinkedIn.
And perhaps more importantly, as well as making you feel very important, the other benefit of doing all of these things is that it allows you to grow a Teflon protective coat, ensuring that no shit ever sticks to you, shielding mediocre performing senior managers against the risks of the relentless cycle of organisational change. It’s particularly helpful for those people who do very little actual work other than just falling in love with whatever is next, especially if whatever is next is very shiny and new.
A quicker way to become Teflon is to get hold of some photographs of the boss in a compromising sexual position -that works a treat.
Panners & Turps
July 2026