Feeling self conscious

I don’t know why I used to feel so self-conscious in certain environments (and to some extent, still do), but it’s an issue that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a young child, at an age when self-consciousness isn’t even supposed to be a thing, I would worry myself stupid at the thought of being singled out in a big group.

Potentially, this feeling may be a symptom of Social anxiety disorder which some people may develop after an unpleasant or embarrassing social situation. In my case, I think I’m going to blame Kevin Spencer, whose 5th birthday party was the event at which I was

‘picked on’ by the magician to have milk poured down my back and to be then turned into a human teapot, much to the amusement of all the other kids. I don’t to this day know how he managed to perform such an amazing illusion, but for me the moment was very real, I hated it, I felt incredibly embarrassed and I think I cried throughout.

I’m not saying that every time I went to a conference or that I was in large groups of people that I had horrible flashbacks of my milky encounter with Magical Marvin, but I did undoubtedly feel anxious on occasions. It might not be just that incident of course as there are other causes too: -

The spotlight effect - we can often over-estimate how much other people care about what we're doing and in large groups that feeling can intensify - believing all eyes are on us and that we are being judged, when they’re probably more likely to be focused on themselves.

Fear of social exclusion - a deep-seated fear of social rejection or looking foolish in front of peers. This fear can trigger overthinking (analysing too much what we're going to say to ensure it will be interesting to everyone) and/or believing that we have to perform or entertain the group.

Pressure to conform - groups often have unspoken norms and we can feel pressure to act in accordance with the crowd - the fear of being seen as different can trigger anxiety.

So, what can we do about it?

Perhaps most importantly, we should just remember that feeling self-conscious is just that -a feeling - and that we are allowed to feel it! Trying to ‘get rid of it’ would be daft and impossible, but what we should try and do is control it so that it doesn’t inhibit us.

Focus attention outwards — be present and curious

Be aware of past negative associations - but decide NOT to think about those ‘awkward self-conscious’ experiences from the past. Whether it be Magical Marvin making you look stupid or just that time when you died of embarrassment because you asked a silly question, don’t worry about it -shit happens but it doesn’t happen every time!

Stop assuming you are ‘doing it wrong’ - keep reminding yourself that there is no ‘ideal’ — they might all be ‘doing it wrong’ — so why should it be you? If you disagree with something or someone, you absolutely have the right to hold an opposing view. You're not being judged, so express it, it's your opinion and you're entitled to it!

Find your supportive network - look to be with those people that you know are there for you and detach yourself from those that you suspect might not be.

At the end of the day, (and if you’re at a corporate conference, potentially a very long day!), remember that if you’re in the room then you’re there because you deserve to be there. And, the chances are, most of the other people in the room will be feeling the same as you, including the people presenting who may even be more nervous than you.

You don’t have to be the loudest, the first to ask a question or the bloke that makes out he totally understands everything that’s being said - just relax, be you and try and focus on enjoying yourself.

And if you can’t do that, next time you get invited to a conference, book the day off . . .